Top 10 Things NOT To Say When Your Friend Tells You She Has Cancer
Try to imagine the suffering, if you haven't experienced it. Your friend, after prodding and poking and pricking and test after test, has just found out s/he has cancer, the single most feared illness in the western world.
She worries about the best treatments; he fears the pain
and nausea. She can't figure out how to tell the children--and then how she'll manage carpools and making dinner. He can't decide whether to tell the people at work-and then fears how they'll respond. Both fear financial repercussions, from treatment costs, from work changes, from time taken off to recover.
All fear death, and coming face to face with their own mortality.
And then your friend honors you by sharing her terrible secret.
It's your duty, then, my friend, to respond better than most people do when they hear about their friend's cancer diagnosis.
Here's a start: The Top 10 Things NOT To Say When Your Friend Tells You She Has Cancer.
She worries about the best treatments; he fears the pain
and nausea. She can't figure out how to tell the children--and then how she'll manage carpools and making dinner. He can't decide whether to tell the people at work-and then fears how they'll respond. Both fear financial repercussions, from treatment costs, from work changes, from time taken off to recover.All fear death, and coming face to face with their own mortality.
And then your friend honors you by sharing her terrible secret.
It's your duty, then, my friend, to respond better than most people do when they hear about their friend's cancer diagnosis.
Here's a start: The Top 10 Things NOT To Say When Your Friend Tells You She Has Cancer.
You Will Never Go Broke Underestimating the Intelligence of the American Public: Things People Say To Those With Can
P.T. Barnum had a cynical take on the degree of stupidity manifested by average Americans-but when it comes to what they say to those suffering from cancer, he wasn't far off the mark.I've been treating cancer patients in my practice for over 25 years, and have had time to hear what sent them 'round the bend, and to put together a small collection of some sayings my clients never want to hear again. Feel free to add on in the comments-I'm sure I'm forgetting some.
Is that bad. . .?
Jeesh-is that one of the bad kinds of cancer?
Is that bad. . .?
A patient's personal favorite. She loved to respond, "The worst. The absolute worst." When faced with the diagnosis, people tend to feel it's 'bad'--they're not playing games of 'relatively speaking.' Let them come to terms with its gravity without pushing your ignorance to the forefront.
It'll all be just fine.
It's all going to work out just fine, you'll see.
It'll all be just fine.
You have no ability to make this situation 'just fine,' and both you and your friend know it. Promising him that there wil be no problems is not only patently absurd--it's crazy-making.
A Real Fighter
My Uncle Joe's made it 3 years. He's a real fighter.
A Real Fighter
As opposed to me, thought my client when she heard this one. I must be a real surrenderer. Implying that surviving cancer is only a matter of 'fight' and willpower actually somehow puts the blame for doing poorly squarely in her lap. Needless to say, this is a poor choice.
Hearing What You're Reading
A Youtube on what not to say
Lynn Eib, cancer patient advocate, shares what not to say.
curated content from YouTube
The Unfairness of Life Approach
Man, life is so unfair.
The Unfairness of Life Approach
This statement is not only not helpful and not supportive--it may not even be true in your friend's worldview. It has nothing to offer--no comfort, no profundity, no valid and dignified response (should we be thinking, 'yes, if it was fair, "X" would have gotten it'). Skip it completely.
The Lance Armstrong Approach
Look at all the people who have survived cancer. Hey-look at Lance Armstrong alone.
The Lance Armstrong Approach
I have a handful of patients who are almost ready to murder dear Lance for his recovery and comeback. It's made their lives miserable. Accept that both Armstrong himself and his cancer are differnt from your friend and hers--and don't play a game of comparing her to the best-known cancer survivor.
Totally Oblivious
Oh, no. My friend's father had that treatment and they think it's the treatment that killed him, not the cancer.
Totally Oblivious
What can I say about this one? Your friend will already be filled with fear and dread about her treatments. Might I suggest that I comment such as this is, well, somewhat less than helpful?
The "All-Knowing" Appoach
I know exactly how you feel.
The "All-Knowing" Appoach
Nothing could be further from the truth. Unless you yourself have undergone the same process, you know so very little about what your friend is dealing with right now, that a comment such as this is patronizing, wrong, and can leave your friend feeling more alone and afraid then before.
The Death Sentence
Oh, G-d. My mother died of that.
The Death Sentence
People probably blurt out things like this because they haven't thought it through, but it shouldn't take me, or any expert, to make it clear that this is NOT a helpful statement. It makes this top-10 list with ease.
A Patient Share What She Doesn't Want To Hear
What you definitely should NOT say--and what you CAN say: Nothing.
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The God Factor
God only tests people He loves.
The God Factor
Best to lose this one altogether. Your friend may not buy into this belief at all--in fact, she may not be buying in to the God thing right now, and that's her prerogative. Don't make her take a role in some theological demonstration; let her come to her own terms with God in her life.
Unsolicited Advice
You really need to:
see Dr. X . . .
try a macrobiotic diet. .
try Healing Touch. . .
find a support group. . .
get a second opinion. . .
get a workup at the Mayo Clinic. . .
read this book about. . .
see Dr. X . . .
try a macrobiotic diet. .
try Healing Touch. . .
find a support group. . .
get a second opinion. . .
get a workup at the Mayo Clinic. . .
read this book about. . .
Unsolicited Advice
And YOU really need to restrain yourself from offering unsolicited advice, something your friend is being deluged by. You can ask if she'd like to hear about the latest research on, say, hypnosis, and if she shows no interest, the best you can do is support her in the decisions she herself chooses.
Alright, What CAN You Do or Say?
A Blog Post
- We're Not All Stupid: So What Do You Do or Say When Someone Tells You They've Been Diagnosed With Cancer.
- After all the time I've on helpless or downrightharmful responses to cancer diagnoses, I wanted to put together a set of ideas of what WOULD be helpful to do or say. I posted them under the title "We're Not All Stupid" to counteract P.T. Barnum's cynical take.
- Things People Say to Breast Cancer Patients
- In an acerbit and witty tone, Ann runs through the dreadful things people say to those who have cancer--and then rewrites their scripts, until they're saying the proper things.
- Actually Awesome Things To Say To A Cancer Patient
- A helpful list of what is, in fact, useful and proper to say when you've just heard.
Featured Lenses
What to do and give
Sometimes just what we say isn't all that matters, it's what we do and give. In an era in which e-mail and texting has almost replaced the greeting card, a lovely lens on cancer greeting cards instills the important message that you can say you care without obtrusively calling. Then two lenses share appropriate gifts to give to the cancer patient--gives she could really use, instead of gifts you feel like giving.
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